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Training: Jaden Riker [Suspended]
Posted: July 13th, 2011, 11:11 am
by Ganner Groundrunner
Blue is my Game Master (GM) voice. Please consider everything said in blue to be Out-Of-Character (OOC).
Before we start training, I would like you to post your character background story. Go into as much detail as you like. This is very important, because every character in the Combine needs to know where they come from, and what type of person they are. Once you have posted your background, we will proceed with your training.
Re: Training: Jaden Riker
Posted: July 14th, 2011, 2:58 pm
by Jaden Riker
Jaden is a Kelldorian male from Dorin, he is 5feet 9inches tall and has always dreamed of obtaining the abilities to weild the force. When Jaden was a child his older brother had unlocked the power to weild the force and was sent to learn and train in the ways of the force. Jaden was jealos and felt unloved he ran away from his home on Dorin and stowed away on a small shutle, but what he had not relized that the shutle was from a pirate ship. They found him that night when Jaden foolishly tried to pilot the shutle out of the ships hangar to escape, but he had no experience with flying and crashed it in the hanger. After they found him, he beged to join the crew. So they made him a servant who cleaned the droids and helped run the kitchen but ten years later when he was 17 his ship was attacked by another pirate ship that was much larger, and by that time Jaden was a trusted shutle pilot on the pirate crew. so as he was trying to escape their burning ship in his shuttle it was blown up by an enemy fighter in the ships hangar and Jaden was taken captive. He was the only survivor on the ship so the pirates that took him isolated him on a uninhabited planet were he lived off the land and soon relized he was foolish for runing away so he made an oath that once he left the planet, if he ever left the planet, that he would find his brother and make ammends. a few months later jaden was rescued and asked to be taken to his home town in dorin,once he returned home he apologized to his parents and asked were his brother was his parents looks changed from joy to sorow as they revealed that jadens brother had died from an attack from the empire on the ship he was traveling on. Jaden was shocked so he left dorin once again and joined the krath dynasty to become a pilot and stop the empire.
Re: Training: Jaden Riker
Posted: July 21st, 2011, 1:41 pm
by Ganner Groundrunner
Alright Jaden. I like that your character has depth and a purpose coming out of your bio. There are some spelling errors, missed capitalization and I think the whole thing can be broken up into 2, maybe 3 paragraphs. Id also like to see you be a bit more descriptive about yourself. How Jaden looks, how he feels. This was a troubling and hard life, how has this impacted his life? I will not ask you to do over your first post (though feel free to touch it up, or ask questions if you want on how to improve it. It is a good start though, and Id love to see how you develop. Feel free to look at other peoples posts to compare writing style and descriptive writing. Also try using a spell checker. It definitely helps paint a better picture in the readers mind when the spelling and writing is stronger, and thats what we are trying to do in our RPs...paint a picture for their mind as we tell our epic tales of heroism. 
What I certainly would like to see is that you take the next section, and use it to better describe yourself and your surroundings. We will see then if we need to take a pause to work on the writing aspect of things. Please feel free to ask questions here using double parenthesis ((I wanted to ask...)) as your OOC comments so we can always tell the difference.
. . . . .
The training consists of a number of situations for you to react to. Unless otherwise stated, these situations do not follow on from one to the next. You will be told what are you are expected to focus on in which section.
In Description and Tone, you must focus entirely on the describing the scene set before you and establishing a tone to the area. Do not worry about combat just yet.
You have landed at the spaceport of a planet in the outer rim that reminds you vaguely of home. It is not too special but it has a lot of people, and for the most part they seem friendly enough. You can hear the sounds of an outdoor market from not too far away, and you notice a grouping of large tents off to the south. There is a sign next to the tents but you can't read it from here. You realize you are hungry as the smells of food reach you from the market and you can only conclude that there are the usual array of bars, restaurants and food vendors in the small town around the spaceport.
Re: Training: Jaden Riker
Posted: July 22nd, 2011, 4:04 pm
by Jaden Riker
As Jadens ship landed on a planet on the outer rim he soaked in the sunlight and the smells of varios foods, some of which smelled better than others, and heard the sound of an outdoor market near by, he looked to the south and saw a group of tents and signs he couldnt read from here.
he sudenly felt hungry not relizing that the food the ship ofered him wasnt verry filling or good. So he started walking trying to find a bar or food vendor with food that looked apealing.
Re: Training: Jaden Riker
Posted: July 22nd, 2011, 8:40 pm
by Ganner Groundrunner
That was not too bad, though a bit short. Id love to see you be more descriptive even.
For example:
Ganner stretched his arms over his head after the long journey. The sun felt like a warm bath over his achy muscles. He soaked in the sun, as well as the sights, sounds and smells of the local market up the road. Travelling alone in recycled air almost made him forget how good it was to be planet side. Various aromas of the nearby food penetrated his nostrils and a low rumbling was audible as Ganner now realized how hungry he really was. He longed for real food, instead of the freeze dried and packaged rations he had lived of of for the better part of two weeks. The place was a bit run down, but clean and fairly welcoming. He started off to the South, where he could see a large grouping of tents.
Id really like to feel what your character is feeling. See through my eyes what he is seeing. As I mentioned in my previous post, paint that picture in my mind so I can relate to your character and what they are doing, seeing, feeling.
I hope you dont feel im picking on you, or being too hard on you. I just want to see everyone involved in training grow as an RPer, even the trainers can use practice and an extra set of eyes looking over things. Jools and I often run thing by one another to see how something sounds or feels. Lets try to expand a little on what you did in your last post, and then we will continue. You are off to a good start, id just like to see you add a little more depth there. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask them here or in a PM. 
Re: Training: Jaden Riker
Posted: July 24th, 2011, 6:13 am
by Jaden Riker
as jaden exited from the small ship he had been riding for what seemed forever he was penatrated by the sunlight that felt warm against his skin, and blinded him for a short second. He opened his eyes and saw a group of tents to the south and smelt varios aromas as his stomach growled, he had not relized he was hungry for real food the freeezdried slop the ship served wasn't verry satisfing. So he started to the group of tents hoping to find a bar or food vendor with a satisfiing looking meal. As he walked the people were mostly freindly as they waved and said hello and Jaden was breifly reminded of home, and his brother, he quikly shook the thought and kept walking.
i dont think your picking on me im greatfull for the critisizm
Re: Training: Jaden Riker
Posted: July 26th, 2011, 2:53 pm
by Ganner Groundrunner
That was better, though id still like to see you add more depth to some descriptive tone. As in adding a bit more descriptive words to show the reader whats going on during a particular moment. Remember your job in these RPs is to be part of a storytelling. Make sure you take your time, and feel free to let the creative juices flowing. Im in no rush, and I would like you not to be also. Lets take a nice leisurely stroll down the RP road together 
Id like to see slightly longer posts if you can in the future, and please watch for spelling and punctuation. Im not going to penalize someone for a few spelling mistakes mind you, but proper spelling and punctuation make it easier for the reader to follow the action and understand better whats going on.
. . . . .
It's always good to fully describe an area if you're the first one there - it lets other people see the same area you do and helps interaction. It's also an aid to roleplaying in that people can react better to different environments - characters used to fine restaurants can look down their noses at a seedy bar, and people used to the seedy bar might be a little intimidated and out of place in a fine restaurant.
Next will come Player Character (PC) interaction. You are to assume that the Trainers character is an old friend, and react to them accordingly. Remember that you can not control the actions of other PCs.
You are at the bar, ordering another drink when your old friend Jorax Knell, an aging Arconan, approaches you and attempts to slap you on the back.
"Hey, buddy, I didn't expect to see you here. How have you been?"
Re: Training: Jaden Riker
Posted: July 26th, 2011, 5:56 pm
by Jaden Riker
At the bar jaden was at was oddly run down, which suprised Jaden when he first walked in because the rest of the city was verry inviting and kind.To his right there was a drunken passed out human in the corner being robbed by a nervous looking Chadra-Fan with tattered clothes, to Jadens left was a puking Sullustan that he didnt want to look at for more than a few seconds. There were also blood staines and spatters from some ruged bar fights Jaden guesed.
"one more please'' said Jaden as he ordered his second round of kelldorian ale from the rusty old droid taking orders. Just then he felt a dry rinkled hand with three sharp finger's slap him on the back along with a dry cracking voice that sounded oddly farmiliar "Hey, buddy, I didn't expect to see you here. How have you been?"
Jaden turned quikly and saw a short Aarconan that he instantly knew was his old freind Jorax Knell, that Jaden knew as a teenager as one of his only freinds that tried to get jaden to stay just before he ran away it was good to see his old freind. "Jorax! I havn't seen you in forever, how have you been doing?"
Re: Training: Jaden Riker
Posted: July 31st, 2011, 12:21 pm
by Ganner Groundrunner
Your spelling and punctuation was much better, and overall a much better post. It had some personality, and description in it. I liked it.
. . . . .
"Well you know how things go... always trying to make some credits." Jorax said as he seemingly was searching the bar with his golden eyes. "How about you? Find any steady work?"
Re: Training: Jaden Riker
Posted: July 31st, 2011, 1:16 pm
by Jaden Riker
"Yea" Jaden replied "im a cadet in the Krath military fleet, but you never told me exactly what it is you do for a living?" Jaden asked suspiciusly as he noticed that jorax was looking around the bar as if searching for someone.
"and how did you end up here?"